New state of being = new blog.
Embracing the Quiet
I think red is a good color for me. Today wasn’t special in anyway, but I felt like wearing a pretty halter dress to cheer myself up. Color therapy works!
My Fishtank
I like this picture because you can see all 3 species of fish I have in the tank. The neon tetras, the albino cardinals and the venezuelan guppies. They each have their own quirks and personalities, and the tank is becoming quite a cosmopolitan fish society. The guppies are calm and friendly, the cardinals are active and sporty and are extremely sensitive to movement and sound in my room, and the venezuelan guppies eat everything they can get their fins on. The different species do mingle, but stay with their own types most of the time. They don’t really pick fights but are sometimes seen chasing each other around the tank, more in jest than aggression.
I took my afternoon tea at the Far Coast Cafe, nicely located just off Orchard Road’s main shopping district. I like the ambience there, because its got lovely seating, good cakes, wraps and drinks, and a pleasantly quiet clientele, even on weekend evenings. I had iced gingermoon tea today, which was absolutely refreshing.
I am easing into a new state of being, a more thoughtful, quiet and observant psyche. It feels like the storm has passed, and that I am finally calm.
Perhaps this is the beginning of the healing process.
Ommm!
“Om”
This is the OM symbol… it is NOT the Halal sign, it is not the number “30″ or “3D”… it is not the ‘yoga symbol’ or the namaste, but is related to yoga practice in that it is a mantra used in meditation that yoga prepares the physical body for.
‘Om’ is the primal sound or vibration from which the entire universe constantly emanates. It is the sound of creative departure and return. The sounding of ‘Om’ is the beginning of a transformative process which delivers us to a state of awareness enabling us to actually experience identity with the supreme Creative Principle.
Only 1 person who has seen it on me, has accurately recognised it.
This Pain Must Pass
I could not help but feel a sense of deja vu, sitting at the river, and having that conversation that ripped my heart out of my chest and shattered my esteem to pieces. I am in extreme pain, and am very sad, frustrated and angry at myself for being the fool in doing so many things wrongly, and in not being the person that I should have been in order to not feel this way right now. Such things never work out for me, and I ought never have believed that I deserved fulfillment in that aspect of my life, no matter how much I dared to hope that I could aspire for joy there. I feel so empty, torn apart and that I am worthless, foolish and unloveable. The tears flow freely now, and there have been moments since last night, that I have broken down, sobbing inconsolably.
I have thought so much, of suicide in the last 2 months, and even started psycho-therapy because I knew I just couldn’t deal with things. I’ve had so much problems coping with work because I’ve been preoccupied by all of this. I’ve been a wreck, and now, all that remains is numbness, and an unbearable pain.
He doesn’t realize how much of him I’ve assimilated into myself, how much of what I believe in and hold dear, is so because of his influence. There was only one other person who mattered this much, and there is still so much of her that is now a part of who I am today, and that was 8 years ago. What has become evident to me, is the fact that my behaviour thus far, has been childish, attention seeking, and that I am emotionally draining to handle. All this being told to me by various sources, all of whom, know me long enough and well enough to be able to pass suitable judgement.
Its going to be a while before I’ll be alright.
OMmm!
Apparently, if you walk around the little fountain inside the big fountain 3 times, and make 3 wishes while touching the water with your right hand, you will get lucky.
I found an OM pendant in sterling silver, well crafted and nicely sized. I never knew I was looking for one until I chanced upon it and realized that it was exactly what I needed and wearing it makes me feel absolutely right. 
Oysters on steroids… or viagra, or something. Man they were HUGE! I had 3 of these and pretty much had my fill of oysters. To get a load of the size, look at the size of the slice of lemon and the tongs in relation to the damn things.
I like ‘em big, but not so big! 
Oh and when I saw these at TOPSHOP I literally burst out laughing… because Len’s yappy little poof of a pomeranian is named Foxy! 
Replenished
I slept from 2am to 10.30am! *relaxed*
Am not quite sure if the concept of sleep debt holds true, and whether one can really ‘replenish’ lost sleep, but at least today, I finally feel rested and that a huge weight has been lifted off my aching shoulders. I’m deliberately suppressing my natural urge to obsess and fret, and am trying to enjoy this moment of being alright with everything, and with everything being alright. Today, I’ll have to take care of all the things I’ve not had the space to handle in the last week of mayhem. Its good to be back, and I’m in an indulgent mood today, which makes it not so good that I’m about to leave for a yoga class situated in Singapore’s BIGGEST shopping mall. 
From utter madness to bliss
We’ve been having sweltering hot mornings and thunderstorms at noon. The weather’s cooled down nicely, and on certain days, it feels almost temperate. The week’s been chaos, and I’ve been going full-steam for the last 2 days clearing work by the all-important Friday 10am deadline, skipping a night’s sleep on Wednesday night even. I was drained and very frazzled… and it was only this afternoon, that I finally finished everything that needed finishing, and there was sweet, sweet freedom.
Len and I had very good tea at the Cookie Museum, that which used to be called the “V Tea Room”. The tea and the cookies are very aromatic and flavorful, but the decor of the place makes me roll my eyes and chuckle. The place was rather quiet actually, which was a nice reprieve from the crowds everywhere else in town. Have placed and order for Christmas cookies that I will only be able to collect in November.
He becomes a little devil in the driver’s seat… its amusing and a little scary, but he gets me home safe and sound, so its all good!
~/~
Oh, and the Sage went incommunicado for a couple of days, so Ben and I got worried as it was not like him at all to disappear, and began to wonder if he was dead or something. I told him that, when I finally heard from him, and he got upset even though I explained that it was that we THOUGHT he was dead, not that we HOPED he was dead. Ah well…
I let my students watch Little Britain (Season 1 Episode 1 & 2) because we had nothing to do… and it was amusing how the half of the class that enjoyed it enough to laugh out loud, were the ones who did well in Literature!
I am v v v far behind in my marking, and am beginning to feel the pressure from above. Its been difficult getting focused, but now that things for me feel a little more stable, and I’ve had some time out, I’m ready to bite the bullet and get things done.
New acquisitions today (yes, its been an indulgent day!) are a new mobile phone (Samsung U600) in garnet red and a new pair of lime green and aqua blue specs. Today was a bit of a deja vu day because I met ben again and we went to beviamo again (thankfully ate different things) before my yoga session with The Bendy One (also again). Ben and I wound up at Bliss after dinner, and had the whole interior of the restaurant to ourselves because everyone else was sitting outside near the artificial lake – not us, we are the smart ones who know that artificial lakes could potentially breed dengue! Public announcements have educated us well.
The phone’s very cool indeed – is hyped up version of my previous phone… Am still figuring out the features and getting used to it, but there’s no real time to explore it til the weekend because I literally have a ton of marking… and with that, I bid you adieu for the night so I can actually get it done.
Cafe Beviamo rox! :-)
Took my favourite straight man (ok, fine, 2nd favourite straight man) to Cafe Beviamo in Paragon for lunch. Had to consciously omit the words ‘healthy’ and ‘organic’ before the food arrived or he would have wanted to go to Spageddies downstairs instead, as most properly-straight men would. The food there’s pretty awesome and I always like coming here in the afternoons particularly, when its less crowded and there’s natural lighting from outside. It’s lovely also because its healthy. That’s Ben, drinking soup and munching on ciabatta, couscous and corn salad with mint yoghurt dressing on the left (which we shared), and a pasta dish he had, which had a lovely asian tang to it.
And this is what I had – ciabatta bread with peanut butter, french butter, spinach, chicken and goat cheese. The bread ought to be mentioned because its only here that bread is as delicious as this. Lovely, lovely stuff. I love how everything served here is so utterly flavorful, and fresh. Lunch felt really fulfilling… but there was more! Dessert:
Sticky Date Pudding! Very, very nice… and it made us very, very full!
To walk off the food, we then had the madcap idea of going to IKEA Tampines, which always means a bit of a shopping spree for me. After wandering the aisles and going into my normal Ikea euphoria, I paid for these stunning finds:
Storage boxes to organize my wardrobe, a desk organizer and a hippo! The rest of the stuff is practical and useful, but the hippo really makes me smile, as did Ben helping me to bring all this stuff home in a taxi in the rain.
Random Images from the Weekend
I love gelato, especially from this ice cream cafe in the basement of Parkway… where I told Gerard, Zan and Kevin that since they believe me to be a gay man trapped in a woman’s body, that I ought to go to a surgeon in Bangkok, and ask them to do a sex change operation to turn me into a gay man, but with the added advantage of asking for two assholes for added fun. Zan laughed so hard from that and his ice-cream sugar high, that he leaned back and broke the chair he was sitting on!
Supper at Marche (glam people don’t eat at Food Republic or McDonalds) before joining the 45min queue (I kid you not!) to get into Fabulous Sunday night at St James Powerstation. It wasn’t “Fabulous”, is all I can say about the music mix, tho’ it did seem better after 2 jugs of cranberry vodka.
Me, photo taken with Kevin’s phone.
And some other random moments from the long weekend:
A miniature zen garden and stone lamp from Daiso… so now when I’m distressed, I will rake sand and feel calm. I really love the stuff that Daiso sells, especially the gigantic selection of quirky japanese thingies like these.
Perfectly-done soft-boiled eggs must be documented because they are fleeting, but oh-so-satisfying!
Feeling very melancholic, and very down. Crying intermittently and just unable to get on with life. In agony, and I have no energy to do anything.
Its so fucking difficult being in love. 
Two Movies
Very pleased about a purchase from topshop. It has a funky butterfly print on the front, and while it looks completely decent from the front, is backless. As I was looking at it and deciding on whether to get it, an announcement came on saying that the store was having a gigantic % discount on everything for the last 15min of opening time. I think I went, “Aaaiieeeee!!!!” and did get the shirt because it is pretty.
I watched “SICKO” by Michael Moore this afternoon after Yoga with the Bendy One, and it really made me appreciate how, we Singaporeans actually have a pretty good thing going for us where healthcare is concerned. I know I gripe alot about my job, but the truth is that where medical benefits are concerned, where I am, is a good place to be. The film also showed up the Americans to be paranoid about socialism, and their government as being very mercenary. I’m not sure how much of that is just dramatic journalism, but I did enjoy the way that the film structured a very convincing argument on the situation. It was a side of America we don’t often see, and I was grateful for that perspective.
And yesterday, we caught “Mr Woodcock”, which was downright HILARIOUS! In fact, it was one of the better comedies I’ve caught this year, and boy have I caught a few! Delightful plot indeed! Went for drinks at two different pubs, then supper after that, and wound up returning home past 3am.
Am in a shoppy mood… perhaps because my salary’s just come in. Am also in a clearing up sorta mood, and I mean to do a major springcleaning of my wardrobe, and popping to Ikea to get boxes to categorize my clothes by genre and color. Oh, and I now I have the cutest little Zen garden with implements from Daiso.
Artwork by my Sec 1 students
Taught them how to do grid drawing and color pencil rendering… this is the culmination of their art lessons for Sec 1, and some of it’s rather good!
Panda, lounging on grass… eating a peach, I think! Whatever, its cute!
A tiger, trying to look mean but actually looking quite manja.
